The Gestalt of Our Stars

Your Sign Could Be Wrong

What's your sign? Wait, don't answer that. I don't actually care. I've got enough stress related to what happened in the last five minutes to worry about what's gonna happen in the next five. News is enough of a horror-o-scope for me. But I'm fully aware that many people do care about this stuff. Spanning different levels of affinity and seriousness, a whole lot of people are really, really into astrology, and astrology-related businesses have the dollar signs to prove it. But, in what could be the ultimate sign of the times, your pseudoscience might be based on fake news. Or at least old news. NYT (Gift Article): Your Zodiac Sign Is 2,000 Years Out of Date. "Whether you care about horoscopes or not, you probably know your zodiac sign. You’ve probably known it for most of your life. Zodiac signs were originally based on the stars. But over thousands of years, our view of the stars has shifted. That means, if you account for this shift, your sign might not be what you think." I checked my birthday and my sign remains the same, which leaves me with this horoscope for today. You're feeling great today. That infusion of positive energy came at the perfect time. That's not only wrong today. It's literally never been the case. And yes, I realize it's a little odd to lead the news with a story about horoscopes. But trust me, it's a decent way to enter a new news week. I can't predict the future, but I did read ahead.

2

Banking Concern

"Epstein had long been a treasured customer at JPMorgan. His accounts were brimming with more than $200 million. He generated millions of dollars in revenue for the bank, landing him atop an internal list of major money makers. He helped JPMorgan orchestrate an important acquisition. He introduced executives to men who would become lucrative clients, like the Google co-founder Sergey Brin, and to global leaders, like Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel. He helped executives troubleshoot crises and strategize about global opportunities. But a growing group of employees worried that JPMorgan’s association with a man who had pleaded guilty to a sex crime — and was under federal investigation for human trafficking — could harm the bank’s reputation. Just as troubling, anti-money-laundering specialists within the bank noticed Epstein’s pattern of withdrawing tens of thousands of dollars in cash virtually every month. These were red flags for illicit activity." NYT Magazine (Gift Article): How JPMorgan Enabled the Crimes of Jeffrey Epstein. "Tales of greed trumping ethics and morals are older than Wall Street itself, and the story of how and why JPMorgan spent years serving Epstein is a case study in that dynamic. But it is instructive in other ways as well. More than six years after his death in a Manhattan jail cell, where he was awaiting prosecution on federal sex-trafficking charges, mysteries continue to swirl around how Epstein amassed and deployed money and influence on a grand scale."

3

Bully Surrenders Pulpit

"Since Trump’s election, China has not stopped spending billions of dollars broadcasting autocratic propaganda, buying space on television networks around the world, and training international journalists. Russia has not stopped using social media and deceptive websites to weaken and divide the U.S. and Europe, to prop up dictatorships in Africa, or to lie about the war in Ukraine. Everywhere American voices disappear, other powers will fill the gap." Anne Applebaum in The Atlantic (Gift Article): America Surrenders in the Global Information Wars.

4

This Seven Goes to Eleven

"Need to ship an international package, get clothes dry-cleaned or download a government tax certificate at 3 a.m.? Want to buy a train or movie ticket, then grab a tray of noodles you can heat and eat? How about a cold draft beer while you’re at it? In Taiwan, convenience stores have you covered. What began as an American innovation has flourished across Asia. In high-density cities with compact apartments, the humble convenience store has been reinvented as a public and civic lifeline. Here in Taiwan, it’s an essential part of daily life." WaPo (Gift Article): How Taiwan took the American convenience store — and turbocharged it. "Customers can pay bills, ship packages, eat a nutritious meal and — in some locations — work out." (I can do all that at home. I just need to get a Slurpee machine.)

5

Extra, Extra

The King and His Court: "We should not have to live in a country where the Government can seize anyone who looks Latino, speaks Spanish, and appears to work a low wage job. Rather than stand idly by while our constitutional freedoms are lost, I dissent." That was Justice Sotomayor on today's SCOTUS decision to lift limits on roving immigration patrols in Los Angeles area. Meanwhile, the Supreme Court allowed Trump to fire FTC commissioner without cause.

+ City, City, Bang, Bang: NPR: Trump walks back Chicago 'war' threat, but vows to 'clean up' cities. (Oh cool. He walked back the threat about a war on an American city.)

+ Nepal Protesters Killed: "Police in Kathmandu opened fire Monday on protesters demonstrating against a government ban on social media, killing at least 17 people and wounding 145, officials said."

+ Rxy Business: "The posts are part of a global surge of frauds hijacking the online personas of prominent medical professionals to sell unproven health products or simply to swindle gullible customers, according to the doctors, government officials and researchers who have tracked the problem." NYT (Gift Article): The Doctors Are Real, but the Sales Pitches Are Frauds. (Maybe they can use the same technology to make RFK Jr say something accurate.)

+ Life is Like a Fox of Chocolates: The Department of Defense is now the Department of War ... on Tom Hanks.

+ Howard Empowered: There were a bunch of false rumors that Howard Stern was being fired. He responded with a prank that featured Andy Cohen opening his show on Monday. "What pisses me off is now I can’t leave," Stern said Monday. "I've been thinking about retiring, now I can't." (Phew.)

+ Menace Anyone? Trump’s US Open visit sparks boos and long security lines. (I guess Trump can pretend they weren’t booing him at the US Open, they were just yelling Bruuuuce!) Alcaraz won the men's title convincingly, and Sabalenka took home the women's trophy.

6

Bottom of the News

"Inhabitants of an apartment block in Bavaria, southern Germany, who called police to investigate the relentless buzzing of their doorbells late at night were surprised to find the culprit was not a teenage prankster as they had suspected, but a slug."

+ "Neutered dogs, according to John and the American Kennel Association, are disallowed to compete in dog shows (or, per official patois, 'confirmation events') like this one, 'because the purpose of a dog show is to evaluate breeding stock.' 'You’re kidding,” I said. He was not. This was the whole point of Westminster. No genitalia meant no siredom, no balls meant no miracle of provenance, and any act of sterilization would foreclose any possibility that—just like in aristocracy, or eugenics—greatness could beget greatness only in a highly managed, painstakingly selected marriage of prizewinning egg and seed. 'They need their equipment,' John nodded. 'Now, if you can believe this, I knew a guy who had his dogs fixed with implants in his genitals after he got them neutered.'" Mina Tavakoli: A visit to the dog show.