Turning a Prophet

Holy Spirits, Improv for Scientists

In his first miracle, he turned 120 gallons of water into wine. He was also seen walking on the water of the Sea of Galilee. With this kind of mastery over liquid, it was only a matter of time before Jesus got into the beverage business. While he was early to the miracle market, Jesus is hardly the first well-known name to back an energy drink. Kim Kardashian, Logan Paul, The Rock, Alex Cooper, Lionel Messi, and many others are already preaching to the masses to swallow their functional beverage pitch. But it wasn’t until some entrepreneurs decided that he had a branding problem that Jesus’ image was slapped onto the side of a can of Berry Blessed Yahweh energy drink. You get all the biblical associations with none of the calories! The Guardian: What would Jesus drink? Welcome to the age of Christian energy beverages. “Another mega-celeb has entered the beverage game. Or rather, beverage companies have enlisted him in an effort to spread the good word about their product. Jesus, it turns out, has a branding problem – at least according to the makers of these drinks. Too many people simply haven’t heard the message. ‘God put it on our hearts to specifically preach the gospel through an energy drink,’ the creator of Yahweh says in an Instagram video defending the company against accusations that it exists mainly to turn a profit.” But wait, Moses walked through a parted Red Sea and got water from a stone more than a thousand years before Jesus was even born. Shouldn’t he be the first to market drinks? Yes. In a twist that gives new meaning to holy spirits, Moses Vodka has been around for years (although there’s some debate about whether or not it’s actually kosher to drink it). You gotta hand it to Moses for prophesying that, in the year of our Lord 2026, we’d need something stronger than water or wine.

+ Scheduling note: NextDraft will be off tomorrow. I need a few cans of Jesus and a few shots of Moses to recharge. See you back here on Monday.

2

Let’s Fake a Deal

Iran says it won’t resume peace talks until there’s a real ceasefire between Israel and Hezbollah. But Hezbollah (an Iran proxy) in Lebanon won’t stop firing rockets and drones into northern Israel and is refusing to sign onto a ceasefire agreement. BBC: Hezbollah rejects renewed ceasefire agreed by Israel and Lebanon. Even during the best of times, dealmaking in the region is difficult. And now Trump has another challenge. House Votes to Rein In Trump on Iran War. “The House on Wednesday voted to direct President Trump to withdraw U.S. forces from the conflict with Iran or win approval from Congress to continue the war, after four Republicans sided with Democrats in a striking sign of growing opposition to a military campaign now in its fourth month.”

+ AP: With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in. Maybe more importantly to Trump, the oil industry is leaking the same message. Politico: Oil industry warns Trump administration of price spikes within weeks.

3

Addicted to BS

Even though they are definitely not addictive gambling platforms, industry players like Kalshi and Polymarket are hiring some political lobbyists from other addiction industries. “A trade group backed by some of the largest players in the prediction market industry, including Kalshi, Coinbase, Crypto dot com, Robinhood, and Underdog—has recruited a bipartisan dynamic duo of influential former congressmen to be the faces of the industry. In addition to the political firepower, CPM added an influential former gambling industry advocate and a former vaping executive to help manage the organization’s direction.” TNR: Prediction Markets Are Learning From the Addiction Industry. But they definitely don’t see themselves as, you know, part of the addiction industry. It’s like the old saying goes: I used to be addicted, but now I’m just a dick.

4

Laughing Matter

“Trust in science has plummeted. Can improv turn the tide? Scimemi is one of more than 35,000 scientists and researchers who have taken classes led by professional actors to help them earn their audiences’ trust and understanding. It’s the brainchild of Alan Alda, who helped start what is now called the Alan Alda Center for Communicating Science at Long Island’s Stony Brook University more than 15 years ago.” WSJ (Gift Article): Alan Alda’s Solution to Eroding Trust in Science: More Improv.

+ I’m not sure any American scientists would have had the foresight to improvise a scene in which their own government was dismantling science. Trump Administration to Dismantle Ocean Monitoring System. Meanwhile, Trump to unveil $700 million coal support plan using emergency powers. Even if you’re an improv-trained scientist, America has become a tough room to get a laugh.

5

Extra, Extra

Slash and Learn: “After Elon Musk ‘spent the weekend feeding USAID into the wood chipper,’ as he put it last year, he and President Trump scoffed that American humanitarian aid was, in effect, woke nonsense. Yet in reality American humanitarian aid not only saved one life every 10 seconds but was also safeguarding the world from epidemics. So now we face a rapidly increasing outbreak of Ebola, and the Trump administration is finding that some of the things that went into the wood chipper were the very tools needed to tackle the virus.” NYT (Gift Article): This Is Why You Don’t Slash Humanitarian Aid. (As a punishment, Elon is about to become the richest person in history. That’ll teach him.)

+ Consumer Subjection: Polls are bad and everything seems chaotic. But the masterminds behind Project 2025 just keep on keeping on. Consumer protection agency deletes thousands of pages as Trump administration seeks to dismantle it.

+ Enemies List Twist: “Bolton described the national security information in question in an electronic diary entry that he shared with two members of his family, the two sources said.” Former Trump adviser John Bolton to plead guilty to retaining national security information. No one has worked harder to target Trump’s enemies and pay off his accomplices than Todd Blanche. So, perhaps this headline was predictable. President Trump says he will nominate Todd Blanche to serve as attorney general.

+ Subsidized Housing: “The seller will consider Anthropic or OpenAI stock as payment. That single line in an otherwise typical luxury listing may be the most succinct summary of what’s been going on in San Francisco for the past two years.” Want to understand the economic power of the AI boom? Try to buy a house in the Bay Area. One Bay Area housing trend is becoming impossible to miss.

+ The Flamingo Kid: “Thousands took to the streets of Tirana for a third straight day on Wednesday, some of them brandishing inflatable flamingos in a nod to feared environmental damage, amid mounting calls for the project to be blocked.” Protests in Albania grow over Jared Kushner-backed luxury resort. Judd Legum has a great overview: Kushner’s Albanian resort faces corruption probe, mass protests.

+ Peak Experience: “Dawa Sherpa was last seen around May 29 descending the mountain, but he did not make it to base camp even though his client did. The pair were among the last climbers on the mountain as the climbing season came to an end and the route was dismantled. Dawa was located by a cleaning crew Thursday morning as he was crawling down the snowy slopes.” Sherpa guide missing for a week on Mount Everest rescued while crawling to base camp.

+ When You Need Stats, Stat: “It certainly helps that Langs, aided by the magic of modern technology, can quite literally watch every game at once. And so, from her desk, she sees it all, eyes darting ferociously among screens like a stocktrader on their 10th cup of coffee ... That Langs singlehandedly produces so much compelling, informative content is all the more remarkable considering the difficult circumstances of her day-to-day life. In 2021, Sarah was diagnosed with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.” On Lou Gehrig Day, as always, Sarah Langs is working.

6

Bottom of the News

“The getaway car was parked just outside the Marina yoga studio, idling in the January night air as the burglar made his move. In under three minutes, the burglar was in and out of Hot 8 Yoga with an armload of activewear. He stuffed the loot in the car’s trunk, hopped inside and disappeared down the street, comfortably carried away by an autonomous Waymo vehicle.” We’re always on the cutting edge in SF! How a burglar used a robotaxi to flee the scene.

+ “Their annual emergence in the Great Smoky Mountains has become so popular that campsites sell out months in advance. This year’s lottery to get parking spots for the eight-night official viewing period attracted over 45,000 applicants. Only 960 slots were distributed.” The World Is Going Crazy Over Fireflies. (We’re all trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel...)

+ Reminder: NextDraft will be off tomorrow.