You're The Perfect Specimen

The Everything Drug and Everything Bagels

Welcome to the clinical trial. Tens of millions of us are volunteers in the world’s biggest medical study. Only, the study isn’t being run by doctors. It’s being run by us. GLP-1s were first introduced to lower blood sugar in people suffering from Type 2 diabetes. We quickly learned that those same drugs tended to make people lose weight, often a lot of it. As if that weren’t enough of a medical holy grail, we’ve since been getting reports that these drugs with names like Ozempic and Mounjaro help with symptoms of long Covid, IBS, addiction, depression, concussions, and much more. These anecdotal results have been supercharged by the wellness and longevity craze, and the use of these drugs is now wildly outpacing researchers’ ability to study them (or their potential downsides). In the spirit of the modern era, we’re all doing our own research. You have become your own doctor. How much more primary can care get than that? Julia Belluz in the NYT (Gift Article): The Great Ozempic Experiment. “Technology moves fast, while science accumulates slowly. Humans have a history of rushing ahead with new technology, well before understanding how it affects us. (Just think of smartphones and ultraprocessed foods.) Still, GLP-1s may be a medical first: a blockbuster drug class, enthusiastically taken up by millions, not for one or a few uses but, it appears, a multitude.” (Is being a guinea pig in an unprecedented human experiment making you feel anxious? Don’t worry. GLP-1s can reduce anxiety, too.)

2

Political Career Elegy

You thought that Trumpian attacks on the Pope would be a bridge too far for the sycophants who have sold their souls? Have you learned nothing over the years? NYT (Gift Article): Vance Says the Pope Should Be More Careful When Talking About Theology. “In the same way that it’s important for the vice president of the United States to be careful when I talk about matters of public policy, I think it’s very, very important for the pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Mike Johnson has joined the papal critique. “’I was taken a little bit aback, just honestly, frankly, by something that he said, I think he said several days back, something about ‘those who engage in war, Jesus doesn’t hear their prayers’ or something’ ... Johnson went on to preach against the highest Catholic’s teachings, claiming that it’s a ‘very well settled matter of Christian theology’ that war is sometimes justified, and invoking the ‘just war’ doctrine within military ethics.” Look, I’m more of a Moses man myself, so if these guys want to argue with the Pope about how Jesus feels about war, I’m going to stay out of it. But it does seem notable that the Trump cultists are now telling the Pope he’s wrong about religion. (If Jesus is really in favor of this war, maybe he can offer a strategy to win it.)

+ Here’s one factor that makes it a little harder to argue that the war on Iran is doing god’s work. WSJ (Gift Article): Iran’s Regime Has Changed—for the Worse. “On March 13, a massive billboard appeared in Tehran’s Enqelab Square. It showed Iran’s newly selected supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, standing in a trench and instructing commanders of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps to fire missiles at their enemies. The text suggested the mission is divinely inspired, comparing Khamenei to Imam Ali, a revered Muslim figure known for his legendary victory over Jewish tribes. For opponents of Iran’s regime, the image is the visual representation of their worst nightmare: a militarized Iran ruled by a younger, hard-line leader where the Revolutionary Guard plays an even more dominant role.” (Leaders who believe they are divinely commissioned to violently suppress their own people and wantonly attack other countries? If nothing else, Trump, Vance, and Johnson should be able to find some common ground with these folks.) Here’s the latest on the Strait, the blockade, and continuing talks from NBC and BBC.

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The Creative Processor

“Studies show that overreliance on these digital tools causes cognitive decline, but if current events are any indication, nobody’s making much of a contribution anyway. Go ahead and use A.I. however you like. Except art. If you use it for your art, you’re a freakin’ hack. Why is it that the most vocal cheerleaders of generative A.I. are always the hackiest motherfreakers around? You expect studio executives to say things like ‘it’s going to revolutionize content’ and ‘from a bottom-line standpoint it’s inevitable’ and ‘I’ve finally found an instrument as cold and empty as myself,’ but you’d hope that an artist would have more self-respect. Some people say, ‘I just use it to brainstorm ideas.’ If you don’t know what to paint or compose or write, you’re in the wrong job. Art is the business of making up stuff — go make up some stuff.” Colson Whitehead in the NYT (Gift Article): Don’t Use A.I. to Do This. “Data centers — gigawatt-sucking, pollution-spewing slop houses of mediocrity — are ravaging the environment, consuming all the water and electricity and supercharging utility bills ... [But] do you realize how much water and power it’d take to replicate the average writer’s narcissism, self-loathing and despair? It’d drain the Indian Ocean. You could light up Times Square for a year. We can’t afford it.”

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Everything Bagels

“High-quality bagels, with their finicky baking process, have always been notoriously unprofitable and unscalable. But recent developments in bakery and coffee technology, along with changes in social media, consumer tracking, capital funding and delivery platforms, have changed that.” Big Money Is Betting on Bagels. (Bagels are bigger than ever because people feel they can use the dough missing from where the hole is to argue they’re cutting down on carbs.)

+ It’s only a matter of time before the bagel industry comes up with an AI angle. After all, everyone else is doing it. A headline for the ages: Allbirds Soars After Sneaker Firm Rebrands as AI Stock. (Sometimes, the idea of computers replacing humans doesn’t seem all that bad...)

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Extra, Extra

Under the Gun: It’s a good time to be in the weapons business. It’s not just that we’re depleting our arsenal in Iran. It’s also that our allies have realized they can no longer count on America. That makes it a bigly buyer’s market in the defense industry. WSJ(Gift Article): Europe Is Accelerating a NATO Fallback Plan in Case Trump Pulls Out. It’s also not a bad time to be in the oil business. Big oil reaping huge war windfall from consumers. And that includes Russia, where Oil Revenues Nearly Doubled in March.

+ Trading and Abetting: According to Bloomberg, US Probes Suspicious Oil Trades Made Before Trump Pivots. (Five bucks says this investigation gets dropped as soon as they find out some of the people making the trades...)

+ Big Ticket Case: “A jury in a high-stakes antitrust trial on Wednesday found that Live Nation and its subsidiary, Ticketmaster, illegally maintained monopoly power in the ticketing market.” (Knowing Live Nation, they’ll probably sell tickets to the appeal...)

+ Justice Just Isn’t: “The Justice Department moved Tuesday to wipe out the seditious conspiracy convictions of the leaders of the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers who were found guilty of organizing key aspects of the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol.” (Meanwhile, another pardoned Jan. 6 rioter to admit guilt in child sexual abuse case.)

+ Without Reserve: As Trump threatened to fire Powell, federal prosecutors showed up unannounced at the Federal Reserve building.

+ The Tragical Mystery Tour: “While carrying out public business for his father-in-law, he has continued to pursue his private interests and declined to disclose any information about them.” The Atlantic (Gift Article): Jared Kushner’s Mysterious Role in the Trump Administration. (Ethics aside, what about qualifications?)

+ Manspleening: “After Dr. Shaknovsky removed the organ, ‘The staff looked at the readily identifiable liver on the table and were shocked when Dr. Shaknovsky told them that it was a spleen.’” This story is even crazier and more disturbing than its headline. Surgeon Who Removed Wrong Organ From Patient Is Charged in His Death.

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Bottom of the News

“The people who gather in this small room on the eighth floor of the New York Stock Exchange look like a group of middle-aged caffeine addicts. They sit around what resembles a school science lab sniffing coffee beans and slurping coffee so aggressively that there’s loud music playing to drown them out. But these aren’t junkies with bad manners. They’re part of an elite team of graders who help keep the commodities market running. Their ratings help set U.S. futures-market prices for arabica, and in turn, the global coffee industry. And they’ve arguably never been more valuable.” WSJ (Gift Article): Wall Street’s Elite Team of Coffee Tasters Who Keep the Global Market Running. (I wonder if they offer similar gigs for the cannabis market...)

+ Scientists just discovered 5.6 million bees under a New York State cemetery.